Belated Happy April Fool’s Day

It was a dry one this year, April fool's day. No pranks, no fun. No mood, no need, no inclination.

But I made up for it.

It so happened that a friend of mine (promised him, wouldn't mention his name!) missed April fools day by one day when he was born. So I called him to wish him a very happy birthday today. And ended up giving myself a belated happy April fool's day instead! He didn't recognize my number (landline) and as the usual habit of making a fool of people who aren't smart enough to recognize my voice, I took his case too. I pretended to be a relationship executive from a well known MNC bank, and after identifying myself (with a pseudo-name, of course!) went on to wishing him a very happy birthday. After that, I informed him that he was chosen to become one of our esteemed HNI clients, and so I wanted to come and meet him today itself personally. I also mentioned that I would bring cake and flowers. This flattered the guy to no end, and he was all shy-blushy-flattered. To his credit I must mention that he said that there was no need for the cake etc, but he would like to know the features of this HNI-Account that I was offering him. I was on the verge of mentioning a free trip to Bangkok (his favorite holiday destination) when I couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing!

Needless to say the next 10 minutes were spent in him trying to convince me that he knew this was a prank and that he reacted in such a manner because he did know someone with the same name as the pseudo-name that I chose and that he was an HNI client with his bank already and also pointing out numerous times that he did refuse the cake and flowers; and me not believing one word of what he as saying and laughing non-stop!

After a long time I laughed. So hard, my stomach hurt because of it. And for once, I welcomed the pain in my stomach and the water flowing out of my eyes. I gave him only my best wishes, but in return he gave me a happy day in between these dark, gloomy days. For that I can never thank him enough. May god give him all that his heart desires, even if it is only a preeti (pretty) banker chick that brings him cake and flowers!

Here's wishing him a very happy birthday, and me a belated happy April fool's Day.

God knows, I needed it.

Until next time…

A Mid-Summer Night's Dream

The summer breeze,
In the day, In the night.
A clear blue sky,
Dotted with clouds pure white.

Sitting in the shade of those big green trees,
Sipping the lemonade, enjoying the mangoes.
Chasing my sister around the swings,
Falling down and scraping my knees.

Gone are those days,
Gone are those trees.
Gone is that childhood,
Leaving an emptiness in its place.

Gone is the carefree attitude,
Along with the sound of the ocean so serene.
A sigh, A wish, A longing for it,
But all that remains is a mid-summer nights dream.

Until next time...

Bitter-Sweet

Two years went by, and I didn't hear a damn footstep. Two years ago I came here, hopeful, dreams in my eyes and determination in my soul. Today, two years later I leave with dreams unfulfilled, but head held high, and determination intact.

I always knew this time would end. I also thought that I wouldn't regret its end, wouldn't be sad by it. But I was wrong. I am sad. I feel something but I don't understand why, for this place hasn't really given me much; not even a job which was the primary motive for coming here in the first place. I feel like I am leaving behind a part of me. Is it apprehension about leaving a way of life that has become a routine and going into a world of uncertainty, of no rules? I don't know. I don't think it's only that. I think that somewhere this place stole a small part of me. It stole it and hid it somewhere and even though I search desperately for it, I can't find it.

Looking back I see a presentation, like one of the many I have made here. The only difference is that this one is in my head and the slides consist of memories. Like photographs taken, freezing that moment for eternity. My interview. The first class. The first friend (pink!). The first fight. The worst professor. The best professor. Sleeping on the first bench (yes, I did!). The numerous presentations. The horriblest (word coined by me, it's just most horrible in one word) exams. The egos. The misunderstandings. The friends (yes, I did make them. Even after believing that after a certain age you can't make friends, I made friends here. Friends I will cherish, and miss. Friends I never thought I would make). The travelling. The bitching! The giggling. The timepass. The competition. The fighting. The bamboo trees behind Nescafe. The thawing in the sun. The freezing in class. The canteen tea. The station road paani poorie. The rides in the car till dadar station. The coming to college in a car on Sunday mornings. The late night classess. The early morning classess. The diet lunches. The sharing of the salad. The end.

The very expectedly abrupt end.

kahin to dil mein yaadon ki ek suli gad jaati hai,
kahin har ek tasveer bohat hi dhundhali padh jaati hai.
koi nayi duniya ke naye rangon mein khush rehta hai,
koi sab kuch paakar bhi ye mann hi mann kehta hai.
kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai,
par chup ke is dil mein tanhai pannti hai.
bas ya-aa-aad satth hai, teri ya-aa-aad saath hai.
teri ya-aa-aad saath hai.
main jahan rahoon, main kahin bhi hoon,
teri yaad saath hai.

How many of these people will remember me? How many of these people will I remember? When will we meet again? Will we all meet again, at the same time? Why am I feeling bad? Am I the only one feeling bad?

Whatever happens, I won't forget these two years. If nothing I'll have a lot of memories.

Bitter-sweet memories.

Until next time…

I am Bombay

A piece of fiction – an excerpt from the diary of "Mumbai"

 

I am the city of dreams, the city of hope, the city of glitter, and the city of gutters. I am Bombay, or rather now, Mumbai. There are many that come to me with dreams in their eyes, with hope in their soul and with nothing in their pockets. Some come here and some are born here. I take each and every one of them into my arms, welcomingly and try to accommodate them as much as my over-stretched resources allow me to. I stick with them through thick and through thin. I make each one of them a part of me. Some become successful, some become famous, and some remain like the gutter-creatures that they were born to be.

But all of them hate me.

And I don't understand why.

Is it my fault that all of India finds only me to come to, to fulfill their dreams? Is it my fault that the very people who are in-charge of my welfare mistreat me, abuse me, and think about their publicity and pockets? Is it my fault that I am not built to handle such a large and ever-growing population? Is it my fault that everyone takes everything shamelessly from me, but no one remotely even thinks of returning to me – and that too not for me, for the million others like them who are going to come to me? Is it my fault at all?

I let 18million (and still counting) people walk over me every day. I have let them cut across my body to let them build their so called railways. I feed them. I take care of them.

And what do I get? "Bombay, oh I hate this city!" – echoing everywhere. Be it the film star, or the student, or the slum-dweller or the businessman. They all forget that they are what they are – good or bad - somehow, because of me.

Then why don't they leave me, I wonder. If I am really as bad as they portray me to be, then why do they still tramp over me every day, struggling to fulfill their dreams? Why don't they just pack their bags and take their family someplace else, that they think is better than me?

Maybe because deep down, they know, that there is none other like me.

For all I do for you, all I ask of you is acknowledgement, if not appreciation. At least don't bad-mouth me. I can hear you. All of you. And it hurts every time I hear those words. If you think that wherever it is that you come from is better than me, please feel free to leave. I will miss you, that is for sure for I have made you my own, and it does hurt when a part of me leaves. But if you are really as miserable here as you sound, then it is best that you leave. I can assure you one thing though; you will never forget me. For as I said: there is none other like me.

Until next time…

A Table, a bottle of Toner & some Tea…

There is this fundamental question that has raised its head in my life. How much is too much?

How much do you adjust/ compromise/ change yourself for the convenience of others? Any relationship requires compromise, I agree. But I also agree that every person has a right to be themselves too. What I mean is that how far does "I'm like this only, take it or leave it." Go. How far should you let it go? If the other person can have the balls/ guts to say this, why can't you. Well, you can. But I don't. Not that I don't have the balls/courage. But I don't want to. It will cause an unnecessary fight, and the worst thing is that it's not one person. It's a bunch of them. And I really can't afford to fight with a bunch of people in my life. Do they expect all people to accommodate them like that? Or is just me. Why do I let them push me? Why do they not get pushed when I try? Is it worth fighting for? Why can't someone (anyone!) do something simply because I want it? Why is that I always have to deal with their "them-ness" but they can't deal with my "my-ness"?

I'm sorry; did I say one fundamental question?

I know the title has nothing to do with the content; but the content has everything to do with the title.

Until next time…

 

Attention, Change & Concealment

It doesn't bother me when a considerably new friend stops giving me bhav. But it does bother me when someone I have known for years suddenly realizes that it has been years and hence stops taking me seriously, and not giving me bhav and taking me for granted in general. I don't want to be the centre of the world's attention, but I do want to be someone's centre of attention. But apparently, this concept is too difficult for people to understand.

How much can you change overnight? Enough to shock everyone who knows you into speechlessness? I don't think anyone can change so drastically overnight. It's a gradual process, one that may have been brewing for years but has only just begun burgeoning. Till where it will go, will end on a high or a low, only time will tell.

When someone starts acting differently from what has been their standard behavior, it makes me wonder whether this new them is the real them or the old them was the real them. If the new them is the real them, why did they conceal it or so long (and how!). And if the old them was the real them, then why are they acting so bloody different!

I really don't like change, don't I?

Until next time…

 

Something Better…

Once in a while,

There comes along,

This thing that you wanted,

For which your heart does long.

 

You work,

You pray,

You slog you butt off,

And you wait for that day.

 

And when it comes along,

It brings with it,

The unexpected situation that you never thought of,

And with a shock your confidence takes a hit.

 

You wonder why,

You wonder how,

No matter how much you wonder,

Nothing's going to change now.

 

What you need to realize,

Is that what you want is not what you get,

What you get is what you deserve,

Something Better will come along, for it is not over yet.

 

Until next time…

Blue Eyed Boy

He's got a paunch, well hidden, but a paunch nevertheless; huge butts, a cute smile and the most mesmerizing blue eyes you have ever seen! From far you can't make out that they are blue, but when you get close enough to notice, you don't just notice, you notice! They are deep, blue and very very pretty. The moment you look at them , they take your breath away. You have to concentrate on breathing, you're that awed.

He's the new blue eyed boy, man rather, in my life and after so many years I have a full blown crush - on him!

Sigh …The world seems to be so much more prettier…

Until next time…

Lost & Found

Lost: one Diamond earring

Found: my old love for bicycling

It was a lucky earning, and not keeping the loss of monetary value in mind, it represents, at least to me, loss of good luck which I desperately need at the moment. I can't remember the exact moment it fell off my ear and neither the place. My mother discovered at the dining table that I was wearing only 1 earring and even after hours of frenzied searching and turning the house upside down I couldn't find it. I was even game for tracing my steps back till I reached college and wherever else I went, but didn't as my parent saw no point in it. At night I dreamt about it: it was lying just within my reach but I couldn't grasp it or that it kept appearing and disappearing as I went to pick it up. I even thought in my dream that this was all a bad dream and it would be over when I got up as God can't be so mean to me in one day! But sadly, it wasn't so.

So to get me out of my depressed sulking, kiki, my darling sister took my cycling. It was at 7 AM and I still hate her for that, but other than that it was good fun! We rented a couple of bicycles and raced around on the Malabar Hill Slopes. The weakling that she is, she lost and was usually far behind me, panting, and trying to catch up. My shouting out: "kick kiki, come on!" had little effect on her speed and more on her disposition towards me! Today morning I remembered what it used to feel like, all those years ago, when as kids we used to cycle for hours and hours. It used to feel like I was flying, the wind in my hair racing along to wherever I want to go. That love for cycling gradually led us to getting mopeds, and once we had mopeds, our cycles rusted away unnoticed for over 12 odd years. In fact I wasn't even sure I still remembered how to ride a bicycle, but apparently there are some things you don't forget and riding a cycle is one of them. Hopefully, we will go back and cycle regularly (only after kiki can walk straight, she seems to have overdone her capacity!)

Until next time…

Prancing Pigeons & Lost Opportunities

Another day, another story.

Of prancing pigeons and lost opportunities.

There are other better things in the world, I'm being told. Repeatedly. So I guess there must be, and I'm going to vie for them. Let the ones gone not matter anymore, as mattering won't change anything really. It is disappointing, and I would be a big liar if I said that it weren't. But hey, disappointment can be channeled into motivation and I'm going to try to do that. Something better does await me, and find it I am going to. And you - yes you - reading this – don't feel bad for me. I will do better than this, I know it and you should too.

Courting pigeons can be a funny sight, and got a laugh out of me even when I was at my lowest. Outside the window of the first floor of the Westside Café at Kala Ghoda there is a parapet, and on it were 2 pigeons. The male was following the female for quite some time irritating her to the core. And when she finally showed interest by fluffing herself up completely he had second thoughts (men, I tell you – all the same in any species!) and started acting pricey. It was a funny sight, watching a fully fluffed up pigeon running after another pigeon that was chasing it just minutes ago!

Until next time…

Good Old Me

okay then.
i'm still the old hyper-paranoid me.
not chilled a bit.
shit.
am i screwed or what.

until next time...

A New Day Has Come

I like to think that my life is a book, and each year is a chapter in it. At the end of every year, I take stock of what happened and what I learnt from it; and look ahead and prepare for what will come. As my birthday and the end of the year, English-calendar-wise, fall within 15 days of each other, I have usually conducted this take-stock-and-look-ahead exercise at the beginning of the year. This year too, I look back at the year gone, closing one chapter of my life, and start a new, and fresh (BGO*!) one.

The past year was mostly routine; consisting of travelling, college, studies, exams, CGPA's and a bit of fun squeezed in here and there. In the last two or three odd months I realized that in my single-minded dedication to reach a goal set long ago, I had become the very stuffy, almost sadoo to a certain level person that I kept teasing other people to be. I realized that I should have some fun, and really, "take a chill-pill!" (In the very famous words of my Shahrukh…). So I did. For example, I got screwed in an exam, the outcome of which is still unknown, and apart from a bit of bathroom tears I was cool (which is a really big deal for the old hyper-paranoid me! Trust me. The old hyper-paranoid me would have wailed like a banshee and taken the roof over her head, literally, ending up making everyone's life as miserable as she thought her life to be.) This year was also one of lost friendships found again, and final goodbyes to old dead friendships. And of course, how can I forget. It was the year in which I started losing weight! Not much, but definitely a satisfactory and pleasing start. This was also the year of suffering, trauma and pain for every Bombayite. The fright, the terror, the fear lingers in every heart, but we move on. Our spirit is injured this time around, but we are healing. Slowly and steadily, like the Turtle.

Enough about the bygone. Now, about the one ahead.

Even though I don't like to plan life, I do like to look at the broad expected aspects. The problem with planning life, I think, is that it seldom goes the way you planned it, and that can be a bit of a rude shock, as I've already discovered. But nevertheless, some things you don't plan for, you know they will happen. Like a job. The coming year will be the start of my so called career. Apprehension clouds this matter obviously, as there is no job in sight; forget about it being the right one. But I have kind of settled with God and Destiny on this one. They have got me this far, and they will get me ahead. The apprehension's still there, though. It is also the year in which I plan (oops?) to make some headway on the "I'm-single" part. Marriage? Engagement? Haven't planned that much in detail. But I'd like for something to happen. More weight loss, definitely needs to happen, and I hope that this coming year will be the one in which I finally can reach my target weight and stop losing weight and start maintaining it. (As you can see, all my talk about not planning life etc was bullshit.)

All said and done, it's a new day, of the new year. One year gone by, and another one knocking at the door. So let's say bye and hi in the same breath, and let's keep the peace and hope alive.

Happy New Year.

Until next time…

*BGO = Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious.

"I Dont Know Why I Exist, Actually..."

25 years of my life done.
More than one-fourth my life lived.
Not much to show off, except an amazing amount of wonderful memories: most happy; some sad.
There comes in a point in life when you wonder: "I dont know Why i exist, actually..."
for my proffessor it came when he was in class teaching us a couple of weeks ago.
For me, it came today.
So.
why do i exist?
what is my life purpose?
what have i done till now?
what am supposed to do in the future?
will i be able to do all that i'm supposed to?

so many questions - and no answers yet. 25 years of life done and no answers yet.
not that i was looking for them or something.
but now, i guess that i am looking for them, they will be even more difficult to find.
but these 25 years were, if nothing, fast; fun and memorable.
all i can hope for is that the next 25 are the same, if not better.

happy birthday, babe.

until next time...

Strength

strength is what lies within you,
it comes out with situations, old or new.
"i'm not strong enough to take this..." in vain you moan,
for that decision is HIS and HIS alone.

until next time...

DдsVIDдйIYд

The best goodbye ever.

Very few people are lucky (or are they?) enough to know that they are going to die – and that they should now live life as they always wanted to. Now Death and I, we've never really gotten along. I have major issues with dying. Not as much as me dying, as my near n dear ones. But this movie got me thinking – what would be my 10 things to do before I die? Because, issues or no issues, I have to die one day, right? The sooner I accept it, the better it is for the people around me (kiki, for example- who thinks I have gone mad because all I can think of nowadays is this and wishes real bad that I'd stop bugging her with questions regarding it). Have you ever thought about it? If suddenly you were told that you had say two-maybe-three odd months to live and then – puff! It was over. Your chance at life had come and gone. In that situation, what would you do? What are the things that you absolutely must do before you die? For we live only once, right?

You know, my SRK said –

"hason, jiyo, muskaraon… kya pata kal ho na ho… "

As much as it pains me to point out that he was wrong, I still do. Because I know, kal nahin hai. There is always a tomorrow, one that never comes. So instead of laughing, smiling and in general being merry today because I don't know if there will be a tomorrow, I think that we should smile, laugh and in general be merry today because we know that there never will be a tomorrow. Every day we have a today, and that is what we should live. Each day, for its own. As for me, I'm alive today, my near n dear ones are alive today and that's all that should matter to me. Instead of wasting today, moping about what may happen tomorrow I have to learn to enjoy today. I have to get over my fear so that I can enjoy whatever precious few (according to me) moments I have been allotted.

As for my 10-things-to-do-before-dying list? Well, I'm seriously thinking about it. Its work-i-progress. I will make a list, and maybe even out it up here.

Maybe you should think about it too.

Until next time…

And Again…

I sat in front of my computer screen for over an hour, trying to type something – anything – to express my feelings on whatever has happened. But I just couldn't. I realized that I was speechless, that there were no words to describe what I was feeling: anger, sadness, relief, guilt and something that goes much deeper than all this. This is not the first time. I know that this is also not the last time, though I hope that I am wrong in this prediction. But this is definitely different.

After 40 hours, This is not yet over.

The previous times, Bombay and its famed Spirit fought back. Head held high with a kind of defiance in the eyes: Do what you want; I am not scared of you. But this time, somewhere, that Spirit has been dented. It has not shattered completely, thank god. But the cracks have appeared. The head is willing to bow: if only to make it stop. The eyes still look up, but the defiance has faded, leaving in place a tear-filled plea:

STOP.

Please.

There are hardly any people on the roads, and almost everyone is walking around with a vacant look in their eyes, the trauma not receding a bit, because well, it's not yet over. Today, even the sun is not out, like an indication that even nature knows it's meant to a bleak, gray day: a day for mourning. The intermittent sound of choppers flying above my building interrupts my thoughts, and I pray as each chopper passes by: Let this one be the hero, let this one be the one that ends it.

In these 36 hours I have realized one more thing: what it feels like to live in a war-ravaged country or state. Not completely, and again for that I thank God. But now I know, first hand, what it can feel like. I went out for a walk yesterday, tired because of lack of sleep, nonstop television watching for almost 24 hours, and frantic channel switching. With the depression adding to my fatigue a breath of fresh air seemed like a good idea. But I couldn't last more than fifteen minutes. After fifteen minutes of continuously looking over my shoulder and jumping at the tiniest loud sound, I was done. I was ready to run back home, for I just couldn't make myself believe that I was safe. I wanted to run home, shut the doors and the windows, and hide under my bed.

I was scared.

I am still scared, and hence I haven't ventured out since then.

The more desperate Bombay seems to be for this ordeal to be over, the more is seems to drag on. And for most of us, there is nothing we can do. Nothing but watch T.V., behave like an ostrich by hiding, and pray. Pray real hard, and hope that someone somewhere answers our prayers.

Until next time…

Dor

Rishtey natey chaahat yakeen,
In sab ka daman ab chak hai...
Samjhe they haaton mein hain zammen,
Muththi jo kholi bas khak hai
Dil mein ye shor hain kyon...
Imaaan kamzor hain kyon...
Nazuk ye dor hai kyon...

Until next time...

Carefree

It feels good to just let go of all restraints, and just be carefree. It does wonders to the soul. Unfortunately, its not always possible to do so. Responsibilities always play the villian and more often than not we cant afford the luxury of being carefree.
but its a darned good feeling, i tell you!
I felt it for a while today, and man...did it feel good or what! Almost as good as thawing in the sun after freezing in a very cold room...almost!
Wish life was so easy all the time...
No tensions, no headahes, no responsibilities, no fights...
No nothing... only carefree...


Until next time...

Choice

this one, again, is for biks...

A day will come when finally he will have no choice...
he will have to hear the plea of your inner voice...
she will come to you, come on her own...
for fruits always grow on trees whose seeds have so painstakingly been sown!

until next time...

Tagged AGAIN!

Q> List 5 things that you want to say to people but never will. Don't say who they are.

• I love you – don't ever go anywhere.
  
• I hate you, get lost and don't come back!!!!
  
• You bitch – why did you do that???
  
• I ate a chocolate after dinner
  
• I ate a chocolate before dinner too!!!
  

Q>Five Things I'd Love to Do before I Die:

• Eat unlimited chocolates
  
• Go all the way!!! ; )
  
• Color my hair - pink!
  
• Lose a LOT of weight
  
• Buy my mom a Skoda
  
• Buy my dad a house
  
• Buy my sister a PSP
  

[I'm bad at math?? : ) ]

Q>Five Things I Will Not Do Even If It Kills Me:

• Stop eating (yummy) food
  
• Beg and plead for love
  
• Drugs
  
• Pre marital sex
  
• Eat snails/cockroaches/snakes etc
  

Q>Five Things I Do When I'm Away From The Public:

There is a reason I do it when I'm away from the public!

• Snort, When I laugh... !
  
• Burp
  
• Yawn with my mouth open
  
• Talk with my mouth full
  
• See how fat my stomach looks in the mirror, by imitating a pregnant woman-pose!
  

  
   

Q>Five Favorite Sentences (most often used):

• Whatever!!!
  
• Don't know, don't care!
  
• Good, good – I like it, I like it!
  
• Get lost.
  
• I'm hungreeeeeeeeeeee……
  

Q>Five Things that'll Make You Wish You Didnt Do, If You Did:

• Smoke a cigarette
  
• Say something I really didn't mean
  
• Eat a chocolate after dinner, when the dietician has strictly forbidden it…
  
• Give away my turtles to someone… : (
  
• Let my parents down, in any way
  

5 people I tag:

• Kiki (please, do mankind a favor and fill this!)
  
• Subodh ( same as above!)
  
• Ankur
  
• Damodar
  
• … … …