Attention, Change & Concealment

It doesn't bother me when a considerably new friend stops giving me bhav. But it does bother me when someone I have known for years suddenly realizes that it has been years and hence stops taking me seriously, and not giving me bhav and taking me for granted in general. I don't want to be the centre of the world's attention, but I do want to be someone's centre of attention. But apparently, this concept is too difficult for people to understand.

How much can you change overnight? Enough to shock everyone who knows you into speechlessness? I don't think anyone can change so drastically overnight. It's a gradual process, one that may have been brewing for years but has only just begun burgeoning. Till where it will go, will end on a high or a low, only time will tell.

When someone starts acting differently from what has been their standard behavior, it makes me wonder whether this new them is the real them or the old them was the real them. If the new them is the real them, why did they conceal it or so long (and how!). And if the old them was the real them, then why are they acting so bloody different!

I really don't like change, don't I?

Until next time…

 

Something Better…

Once in a while,

There comes along,

This thing that you wanted,

For which your heart does long.

 

You work,

You pray,

You slog you butt off,

And you wait for that day.

 

And when it comes along,

It brings with it,

The unexpected situation that you never thought of,

And with a shock your confidence takes a hit.

 

You wonder why,

You wonder how,

No matter how much you wonder,

Nothing's going to change now.

 

What you need to realize,

Is that what you want is not what you get,

What you get is what you deserve,

Something Better will come along, for it is not over yet.

 

Until next time…

Blue Eyed Boy

He's got a paunch, well hidden, but a paunch nevertheless; huge butts, a cute smile and the most mesmerizing blue eyes you have ever seen! From far you can't make out that they are blue, but when you get close enough to notice, you don't just notice, you notice! They are deep, blue and very very pretty. The moment you look at them , they take your breath away. You have to concentrate on breathing, you're that awed.

He's the new blue eyed boy, man rather, in my life and after so many years I have a full blown crush - on him!

Sigh …The world seems to be so much more prettier…

Until next time…

Lost & Found

Lost: one Diamond earring

Found: my old love for bicycling

It was a lucky earning, and not keeping the loss of monetary value in mind, it represents, at least to me, loss of good luck which I desperately need at the moment. I can't remember the exact moment it fell off my ear and neither the place. My mother discovered at the dining table that I was wearing only 1 earring and even after hours of frenzied searching and turning the house upside down I couldn't find it. I was even game for tracing my steps back till I reached college and wherever else I went, but didn't as my parent saw no point in it. At night I dreamt about it: it was lying just within my reach but I couldn't grasp it or that it kept appearing and disappearing as I went to pick it up. I even thought in my dream that this was all a bad dream and it would be over when I got up as God can't be so mean to me in one day! But sadly, it wasn't so.

So to get me out of my depressed sulking, kiki, my darling sister took my cycling. It was at 7 AM and I still hate her for that, but other than that it was good fun! We rented a couple of bicycles and raced around on the Malabar Hill Slopes. The weakling that she is, she lost and was usually far behind me, panting, and trying to catch up. My shouting out: "kick kiki, come on!" had little effect on her speed and more on her disposition towards me! Today morning I remembered what it used to feel like, all those years ago, when as kids we used to cycle for hours and hours. It used to feel like I was flying, the wind in my hair racing along to wherever I want to go. That love for cycling gradually led us to getting mopeds, and once we had mopeds, our cycles rusted away unnoticed for over 12 odd years. In fact I wasn't even sure I still remembered how to ride a bicycle, but apparently there are some things you don't forget and riding a cycle is one of them. Hopefully, we will go back and cycle regularly (only after kiki can walk straight, she seems to have overdone her capacity!)

Until next time…

Prancing Pigeons & Lost Opportunities

Another day, another story.

Of prancing pigeons and lost opportunities.

There are other better things in the world, I'm being told. Repeatedly. So I guess there must be, and I'm going to vie for them. Let the ones gone not matter anymore, as mattering won't change anything really. It is disappointing, and I would be a big liar if I said that it weren't. But hey, disappointment can be channeled into motivation and I'm going to try to do that. Something better does await me, and find it I am going to. And you - yes you - reading this – don't feel bad for me. I will do better than this, I know it and you should too.

Courting pigeons can be a funny sight, and got a laugh out of me even when I was at my lowest. Outside the window of the first floor of the Westside Café at Kala Ghoda there is a parapet, and on it were 2 pigeons. The male was following the female for quite some time irritating her to the core. And when she finally showed interest by fluffing herself up completely he had second thoughts (men, I tell you – all the same in any species!) and started acting pricey. It was a funny sight, watching a fully fluffed up pigeon running after another pigeon that was chasing it just minutes ago!

Until next time…

Good Old Me

okay then.
i'm still the old hyper-paranoid me.
not chilled a bit.
shit.
am i screwed or what.

until next time...

A New Day Has Come

I like to think that my life is a book, and each year is a chapter in it. At the end of every year, I take stock of what happened and what I learnt from it; and look ahead and prepare for what will come. As my birthday and the end of the year, English-calendar-wise, fall within 15 days of each other, I have usually conducted this take-stock-and-look-ahead exercise at the beginning of the year. This year too, I look back at the year gone, closing one chapter of my life, and start a new, and fresh (BGO*!) one.

The past year was mostly routine; consisting of travelling, college, studies, exams, CGPA's and a bit of fun squeezed in here and there. In the last two or three odd months I realized that in my single-minded dedication to reach a goal set long ago, I had become the very stuffy, almost sadoo to a certain level person that I kept teasing other people to be. I realized that I should have some fun, and really, "take a chill-pill!" (In the very famous words of my Shahrukh…). So I did. For example, I got screwed in an exam, the outcome of which is still unknown, and apart from a bit of bathroom tears I was cool (which is a really big deal for the old hyper-paranoid me! Trust me. The old hyper-paranoid me would have wailed like a banshee and taken the roof over her head, literally, ending up making everyone's life as miserable as she thought her life to be.) This year was also one of lost friendships found again, and final goodbyes to old dead friendships. And of course, how can I forget. It was the year in which I started losing weight! Not much, but definitely a satisfactory and pleasing start. This was also the year of suffering, trauma and pain for every Bombayite. The fright, the terror, the fear lingers in every heart, but we move on. Our spirit is injured this time around, but we are healing. Slowly and steadily, like the Turtle.

Enough about the bygone. Now, about the one ahead.

Even though I don't like to plan life, I do like to look at the broad expected aspects. The problem with planning life, I think, is that it seldom goes the way you planned it, and that can be a bit of a rude shock, as I've already discovered. But nevertheless, some things you don't plan for, you know they will happen. Like a job. The coming year will be the start of my so called career. Apprehension clouds this matter obviously, as there is no job in sight; forget about it being the right one. But I have kind of settled with God and Destiny on this one. They have got me this far, and they will get me ahead. The apprehension's still there, though. It is also the year in which I plan (oops?) to make some headway on the "I'm-single" part. Marriage? Engagement? Haven't planned that much in detail. But I'd like for something to happen. More weight loss, definitely needs to happen, and I hope that this coming year will be the one in which I finally can reach my target weight and stop losing weight and start maintaining it. (As you can see, all my talk about not planning life etc was bullshit.)

All said and done, it's a new day, of the new year. One year gone by, and another one knocking at the door. So let's say bye and hi in the same breath, and let's keep the peace and hope alive.

Happy New Year.

Until next time…

*BGO = Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious.