There is no will.
To do anything.
No will to talk.
No will to smile.
No will to blink.
No will to even to get up and eat something.
I blink and breathe because it's an automated process, I have to do nothing, it happens on its own.
I just sit and stare in space.
Blink.
Breathe.
And wonder.
What the hell am I doing in office on a Saturday!
Until next time…
The wings have been clipped, the freedom has been curbed.
The bird has been caged, not a sound anyone heard.
All that remains as evidence of something that-once-was,
Is a free-falling feather, slowly flittering across.
It falls on the ground, gets soaked in the wet mud.
The epitome of the biggest breakage, and not even a thud.
A freedom lost, a spirit broken, a heart that's down in despair.
The world goes on, and so does life, for no one seems to care.
Until next time…
So I finally saw it.
I remember seeing the book at a bookstore years ago.
I remember wanting to read it, but never picking it up ever and actually reading it.
I remember seeing the promos of the movie when it released a few years later.
I remember wanting to watch it, but never buying tickets and actually watching it.
Because I have a death-phobia thingi.
What happens when someone dies? When that someone was your entire life. How do you move on? As Holly said, how do you breathe?
What do you when u lose the only thing that mattered in your life? The one that changed life as you knew it. The one who was irreplaceable.
The entire idea of someone dying on me freaks me out.
How, I mean how can life just go on?
News flash: it does.
Whether you like it or not, whether you want it to or not.
Someone told me that death is actually the destination that we're to get to after the journey called life. It is not the end, it is a beginning. Of another journey.
That's all fine when you're the person who died. But what if you're the one who's someone died. The one who got left behind? The one who still looks out for someone when she smells a certain food? The one those whose eyes moisten when she hears a certain song? The one who just can't breathe without a certain someone? The one who is left behind.
Alone.
There are a lot of people who lose someone in the blink of an eye. There are a lot of people who lost someone while you were reading this. Someone somewhere loses someone every second. There are a lot of people who are alone.
This is for all of them.
"The thing to remember is: If we're all alone, then we're together in that too." - Patricia in P.S. I Love You.
Until next time…
Just wanted to stamp today's peculiar-never-to-be-repeated-in-a-century date somewhere.
Thought of waiting till 09.09.09 P.M. but it just wasn't worth the wait.
Anyways September is here.
Black Month.
Lets see what it brings this year.
Until next time…
You walk along the path of life and it feels like it's an abyss.
Deep.
Dark.
Unending.
And you never know what will come up next, what will happen next or what the outcome will be.
You just walk along, trot along or run along depending on how much you can manage. All you have to guide you in this abyss is your faith. Not because faith makes you strong and all that. But because it's all you've got: you have no other option.
It's like holding a rope - one you can't see, but feel - and walking in a dark, deep, unending cave. You walk / trot/ run with its help. There comes a rock, suddenly, and you slip. You arms flail, trying to use the rope to help you maintain your balance, help you to not fall. But you fall anyways, and end up letting go of the rope. You get up, dust your clothes and curse the rope: what frigging good was it anyways. You walk on for some time without the rope disgruntled with the entire idea of its being, but sooner or later, sometime eventually you flap your arms about in the dark to look for it. You search frantically till you can finally feel it again and then you resume your walk, holding onto it tightly.
For something is better than nothing, right?
Until next time…
They say you should let life take its course, not worry too much, and relax for what has to happen will happen. And everything happens for the good.
They have had a very easy life, I'd say.
How can you just let it be? There are certain issues that nag you all the time: why did this happen? Or what will happen now? Etc and these issues consume your mind your energy your existence with a fervor so great you are pretty much incapable of doing or even thinking something else. How, then, are you supposed to just lay back and let whatever is happening, happen. How, then, can u just leave it up to God & Destiny & Fate?
Do They also not say that God helps those who help themselves?
Should we not then do something, anything that we can do to make sure that events turn out in our favor? Should we not then revisit events that happened, wonder why certain things happened and be better prepared for a next time if such a situation were to arise? Should we not learn from our mistakes? Should we not make sure that we try our best not to commit mistakes? There is a God, there is Fate and there is Destiny. But is that all that is there? Do we have no power over the outcome of our life? Is everything to the tiniest detail planned and plotted by God, Fate & Destiny?
They are conspicuously quiet now.
Until next time…
There is this guy that some of us have abhorrently named "TableTop"
It's best his actual identity and the reason for the name remain, well, hidden from public domain.
But the reason we gave him that name abhorrently, is because we ALL abhor him.
He's like this irritating buzzing noise that you can hear if you have a really bad TV set – one that try as hard as you may to ignore, it is so persistent that you just can't.
So he was there somewhere in the background and I wanted to drown out his abhorring voice so I put on the music and listen to the soundtrack of Kaminey (which BTW is another nice way of describing him – Kamina) and was listening to this nice number called fatak and there was that para which was so apt for TableTop!
A little backgrounder before the aforementioned para here: he has absolutely no work in life, he will never do his own work, he is always finding people to pakao & offload his work to etc, he walks around talking on his handsfree set (meant for cars???) smack in the middle of office, he talks really loudly, when he talks (to people) people scatter far away from him faster than pollen on a windy day (including the ones he was trying to talk to), since he has no work he always roaming the streets (so to say!) and bugging people who have genuine work in life, he self invites himself when a bunch is heading out for lunch, he doesn't get the hint when he Is purposely left behind!, he self invites himself to official events, his highlight of attending official events is the "imported beer" served there "for free yaar!!!!" , oh and since u must have figured out by now (even though I was trying to be professional and not mention it) that he is from my workplace I might as well mention he belongs to he senior management cadre.
Imagine.
The much amusing para:
"ginti na karna iski yaaron mei…
awara ghoomein galiyaron mein…
ye chipkoo hamesha satayega…
yeh jayega aur fir laut ayega!"
FATAK!!
Until next time…
Yes, I know its clichéd and everybody and their aunt who has watched Love Aaj Kal loves it, including me.
But this post is about them, The Mango People, the aam junta.
Quirky behavior that only an aam aadmii can get away with.
Like wearing masks(or handkerchiefs daaku style, for the lack of masks) to protect themselves from the so called pandemic outbreak of swine flu. And looking paranoid, shit-scared, and funny all at the same time.
Like carrying a bottle of nilgiri oil to office and making the entire office smell like a hill station fresh out of a Yash Chopra (the old original ones, not the the new ones that just carry the YashRaj tag) movies. And tearing the head of the poor person who has a genuine cold (and nothing else) for coming to office and putting everyone else in "danger".
Like tapping the person standing at the door of a local and ask – "are you going to get off at the next station?"
(And why else would I be standing at the door otherwise???)
Like being practical, and then regretting it.
Like just posting crap like this and getting away with it!
Until next time…
So it's been raining. Sporadically. Its sunny one moment, & pouring the next. And this sporadicity (it's not a word, but I made it up coz it perfectly explains the point I'm tryin to make) has been continuous, pun intended. On Sunday I went with kiki for a bike ride, assuming a nice warm sunny morning was perfect for it. And on the way back, got caught in this –did I mention, sporadic- rainfall. More like bucket-fall of water. But whatever. Have been coughing since, shivering a bit at night, and still feeling hot when I wear my windcheater and walk in the rain. (Which by the way is a necessity, as you don't get a rick from andheri station to chakala, and I do have to get to work right?)
The cough has intensified into a relapse of the stomach infection I had last week (if ur thinking how, join the club) and I now currently am battling 2 infections with one very weak immunity system. Not to forget that my sinus usually acts up in the rain and is waiting for like the one more time that I get drenched (which is inevitable, as I have to not only walk to office from the station but also walk back from the office to the station in the evenings, each trip taking 25 minutes on an average; and I can't possibly be that optimistic to think that it will never rain at any of these 2 times on all the days left of the monsoon season) post which it too will unveil its ugly face.
It's good in a way. All the coughing has hurt my vocal cords and I now sound like a frog. Gives them poor lonely souls on the road some company.
Croak Croak
Until next time…
Manga jo mera hai,
Jaataa kya tera hai,
Maine kaunsi tujhse jannat mang li.
Kaisa khuda hai tu,
Bas naam ka hai tu,
Rabba jo teri itni si bhi na chali.
Chahiye jo mujhe karde tu mujko adaa.
Jeeti rahe sultanat teri,
Jeeti rahe aashiqui meri,
Dede mujhe zindagi meri, tenu dil da vaasta…
Until next time…
Baksha gunahon ko,
Sunke duaon ko,
Rabba pyaar hai tune sabko hi de diya.
Meri bhi aahon ko,
Sun le duaon ko,
Mujhko woh dila maine jisko hai dil diya.
Aas woh,
Pyas woh,
Usko de itna bata.
Who jo mujhe dekhke hase,
Panaa chahoon raat din jise,
Rabba mere naam kar use, tenu dil da vaastaa…
Until next time…
An incident occurs in your life, and you get affected. You face it, what other choice do you have. So you face it, live with it, deal with it, accept it. You live through it, bear the brunt, face the side effects, and let it affect you. And then you think it over. You feel a joy at having survived it. You feel strong.
But it's a false alarm. That one incident can and will affect you for the rest of your life. It will come back to haunt you again and again, making you weaker at every instance, till it eventually breaks you down. It will make it a point to affect all the important issues/people in your life, obviously in a negative manner, and be at it regularly till you don't give up and bow down.
Till you don't break. Till you don't shatter.
Is this even legal? How many times is one incident allowed to affect your life? Is there no law protecting us against the atrocities of such incidents? Are people not allowed second chances anymore? How much does one thing you did in the past matter so much in your future? Isn't the past supposed to belong in the past, and the future be a new beginning?
Apparently not.
Until next time…
Parents. The ones who raise us from tiny babies into full grown adults. The ones who feed us when we can't feed ourselves, the ones who fend for us when we are barely able to open our eyes.
Parents.
But then, we grow up. We have a mind of our own, choices of our own, decisions of our own, in short: a life of our own. And they have a plan of their own.
What we should eat, what we shouldn't eat, what we should study, what we shouldn't study, how we should study, how we shouldn't study, who we should be friends with, who we shouldn't associate with, who we should marry and who we shouldn't marry.
No matter, that it is our life that is in discussion here. What matters is their approval. I agree that they have our best interest at heart, but somewhere I feel that it is tainted with a bit of selfishness. "what will people think…" or "how could my child do this?"
How far should a parent control a child's life? Especially after the child has reached a certain age (25 good enough?) and is mature enough to make his/her own decisions. This is a debate that has raged on for ages, and is of more relevance in a country like India, where the culture doesn't permit a child to go too astray from the parent's aspiration. There are advocates on both sides. I'm not saying that a child should rebel all out and do what he pleases. But I'm also saying that some decisions should be left to children, especially after they reach a certain age.
I've been a victim of this parent-pressure many a times. Sometimes it's been my parents sometimes it's been someone else's parents. Either ways, it's my life, my mental peace, my happiness that gets affected in the end. When will they realize that?
Until next time…
Once upon a time
In a land far away
There was a sleepy village
Whose name was Jilmanway
The people of that village
Were always sleepy and droopy
And the children there had no toys to play with
So they played with dogs that had names like floopy
One fine day
When everyone was sleepy and taking a break,
A little boy called Andre
Suddenly became wide awake
The people then got worried
Wakefulness did not make them happy
For when someone awakened
They forgot to be sleepy
So they told little Andre
"Go to sleep, o little one"
For if u r awake in the day
For u night and day will become one!
But little Andre was adamant
He didn't like being sleepy
And so he went to the playground
And played with his cat Freepy
Andre and Freepy
Played the games of fun
And then evening came
And down went the sun
Tired and hungry Andre went home
And threw his dirty clothes in a heap
He then ate his supper: pasta from Rome
And promptly fell asleep.
Then the people of Jilmanway
Learnt an important lesson
That more than sleep, children need to play
And to discuss this, they had a discussion
"If Andre can play and then sleep
Then this the way I'd like to keep"
Said his father, his mother nodded and added too
"And I think this should be followed by you"
So everyone agreed to this one thing
And then every morning bells began to ring
All children went out to play
And the parents worked the entire day
The sleepy town of Jilmanway
Was not so sleepy anymore
The people went to work, the children to play
And so they renamed it as activity-ray.
Until next time…
It was a dry one this year, April fool's day. No pranks, no fun. No mood, no need, no inclination.
But I made up for it.
It so happened that a friend of mine (promised him, wouldn't mention his name!) missed April fools day by one day when he was born. So I called him to wish him a very happy birthday today. And ended up giving myself a belated happy April fool's day instead! He didn't recognize my number (landline) and as the usual habit of making a fool of people who aren't smart enough to recognize my voice, I took his case too. I pretended to be a relationship executive from a well known MNC bank, and after identifying myself (with a pseudo-name, of course!) went on to wishing him a very happy birthday. After that, I informed him that he was chosen to become one of our esteemed HNI clients, and so I wanted to come and meet him today itself personally. I also mentioned that I would bring cake and flowers. This flattered the guy to no end, and he was all shy-blushy-flattered. To his credit I must mention that he said that there was no need for the cake etc, but he would like to know the features of this HNI-Account that I was offering him. I was on the verge of mentioning a free trip to Bangkok (his favorite holiday destination) when I couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing!
Needless to say the next 10 minutes were spent in him trying to convince me that he knew this was a prank and that he reacted in such a manner because he did know someone with the same name as the pseudo-name that I chose and that he was an HNI client with his bank already and also pointing out numerous times that he did refuse the cake and flowers; and me not believing one word of what he as saying and laughing non-stop!
After a long time I laughed. So hard, my stomach hurt because of it. And for once, I welcomed the pain in my stomach and the water flowing out of my eyes. I gave him only my best wishes, but in return he gave me a happy day in between these dark, gloomy days. For that I can never thank him enough. May god give him all that his heart desires, even if it is only a preeti (pretty) banker chick that brings him cake and flowers!
Here's wishing him a very happy birthday, and me a belated happy April fool's Day.
God knows, I needed it.
Until next time…
Two years went by, and I didn't hear a damn footstep. Two years ago I came here, hopeful, dreams in my eyes and determination in my soul. Today, two years later I leave with dreams unfulfilled, but head held high, and determination intact.
I always knew this time would end. I also thought that I wouldn't regret its end, wouldn't be sad by it. But I was wrong. I am sad. I feel something but I don't understand why, for this place hasn't really given me much; not even a job which was the primary motive for coming here in the first place. I feel like I am leaving behind a part of me. Is it apprehension about leaving a way of life that has become a routine and going into a world of uncertainty, of no rules? I don't know. I don't think it's only that. I think that somewhere this place stole a small part of me. It stole it and hid it somewhere and even though I search desperately for it, I can't find it.
Looking back I see a presentation, like one of the many I have made here. The only difference is that this one is in my head and the slides consist of memories. Like photographs taken, freezing that moment for eternity. My interview. The first class. The first friend (pink!). The first fight. The worst professor. The best professor. Sleeping on the first bench (yes, I did!). The numerous presentations. The horriblest (word coined by me, it's just most horrible in one word) exams. The egos. The misunderstandings. The friends (yes, I did make them. Even after believing that after a certain age you can't make friends, I made friends here. Friends I will cherish, and miss. Friends I never thought I would make). The travelling. The bitching! The giggling. The timepass. The competition. The fighting. The bamboo trees behind Nescafe. The thawing in the sun. The freezing in class. The canteen tea. The station road paani poorie. The rides in the car till dadar station. The coming to college in a car on Sunday mornings. The late night classess. The early morning classess. The diet lunches. The sharing of the salad. The end.
The very expectedly abrupt end.
kahin to dil mein yaadon ki ek suli gad jaati hai,
kahin har ek tasveer bohat hi dhundhali padh jaati hai.
koi nayi duniya ke naye rangon mein khush rehta hai,
koi sab kuch paakar bhi ye mann hi mann kehta hai.
kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai,
par chup ke is dil mein tanhai pannti hai.
bas ya-aa-aad satth hai, teri ya-aa-aad saath hai.
teri ya-aa-aad saath hai.
main jahan rahoon, main kahin bhi hoon,
teri yaad saath hai.
How many of these people will remember me? How many of these people will I remember? When will we meet again? Will we all meet again, at the same time? Why am I feeling bad? Am I the only one feeling bad?
Whatever happens, I won't forget these two years. If nothing I'll have a lot of memories.
Bitter-sweet memories.
Until next time…
